Friday, July 24, 2020

Ramblings overheard: I can die. Nobody will know.

I am a failure. I can die. Nobody will know.

What am i tying to save? a failed marriage?

Who am I trying to make study?
A daughter who hates me for being protective, concerned. 

Who am I hoping will let me stay home and not work?
A husband who says this is all he can do, not do anything to ease my life and hence my job salary is needed.

Who am I trying to get a few good words from?
My mother who hates me because I was born early in her marriage. Who did not study to become an engineer. Who divorced a man she had found for her daughter. Who married a boy she never approved from school. Who is staying with her for for past 13 years with a hyperactive baby now grown into a stubborn teenager.

Who am I saying I love you to?
To an invisible voice who stays far far far away not visible to the eye for ages.

Who am i trying to tell I am good at my work?
To someone who thinks am a threat to his peers as I do well what many men cannot do. To those women who think I am not polished as they are Or think I am smarter than they are.

Who am I living for?
For me? Who thinks there is nothing good, special or left in herself. Who fears the EMIs and hence keeps doing what she finds less for her capacity. Who has no roof of her won if an EMI is missed. Who tries to please all around here hoping some day he'd turn around and be nice to her. 

I have no special skills. I have no fixed deposits. I have no daughter who would listen to me or study.

. I have no husband who'd see am struggling managing his daughter, my mother, home, chores. I have no brother who sees I am juggling too many things he must be doing and my family is scattered. I have no elder brothers who would want to see me happy. I have not elder sister whose shoulder I could lean on. I have no friends who wont judge me when I say i crave to be felt, loved, valued. 

I have only this whit page on who I can type my heart out. who wont judge me. Who will listen to me. Who wont judge me. Who wont call me a failure. 

I have Nobody would miss ME if i die but will miss my money, my service, my slavery, my silence, while they live on and move on.

Such an insignificant being I have reduced myself to. I have turned myself into a doormat, a tattered one.