Why am I faking to being alive?

Jia gave me a call that was laced with an urgency. She was trying to push the urgency by a few minutes into the call, parking it rather.

I went by the flow. Knew she had something to share. Knew it was something which if her folks at home hear, will tag her as 'depressed'! If her friends are told, they may nod and change topic.

It is something Jia knows I will listen to at least, if not buy in. And finally she asked me this: Jia, why am I faking to be alive?

Couple of terms in it... fake to be alive... made me reel for a few seconds... Did I hear fake to be alive? Eh?

I asked Jia... Fake to be alive? How ... how are you faking? If one is alive, its for real.... not fake. She brushed aside my question saying, am not refereeing to the biological 'being alive' but as a person, soul.... I knew, Jia was speaking what many women in her age must be doing, going through. Some of them do not need to and if on can say, they are blessed... so be it. Here is why Jia says she thinks she is faking to life....

I get up every morning on the edge of my cot since my lil ones push me and occupy majority space. It hurts my back, neck and swear tonight I will go and sleep on my own cot. Yet when the little ones say they are scared the night sans me, I fake joy of sleeping with the 11 year olds and go through the pushing, kicking, etc every night. I cannot make them see it hurts me. I fake happiness and joy though am too sad to even wish for sleep.

I hate to drive around in the mornings, noon till evening... doing chores, picking up, hospital drops. I love to drive around in the night which is prohibited at home. I love the peace and quietness of the night rather than the harsh sunlight and smell of the hypermarkets where I go every alternate days. I do ask for a consolidated list to ensure I don't spend money everyday but that has never happened ... ever. I fake eagerness to drive around, pick up, drop, buy stuff since I cannot say no to my family.

I want to watch movies, laze around once in a while sans kids but that's considered as "working-mother-ignoring-child' attitude! thanks to all the preachy stuff in regional women's magazine and sicko talk shows. I have to take my children to every get together with my friends... work or otherwise. I fake joy and eagerness knowing they will bored since no other parent is getting their children. I fake being a great mother.

I am tired of living thus. I wish to tell people on their face, I need 3 days to myself a month... just three days. At least don't ask me to sleep in kids' bed when having my monthly chums, don't give me a list of stuff to buy, dry clean, pick up or allow me space on those three days to be with myself.... Why, Kartz... why do I need to fake in life so much and hope against hope I get my-time if not today tomorrow... if not this month... next one...and been living for 39 years!

I was silent through her narration.... speechless.... she just now told me .. how am living everyday! I didn't know if she wanted a solution or was giving me a nudge to tell me.

I wanted some water but knew putting her on hold is not polite... instead I asked her.... Jia, however ultra-metro be our dressing, attitude... what we are fundamentally... hasn't changed must over time... our gender been adjusting, comprising from time in memorial. We are at least realizing we are not genuinely happy and expressing it... which our previous generation never tried to do.... likewise, we should ensure our girls say No, am not comfortable doing, saying, giving, walking, eating...whatever makes them uneasy. We should teach and support them when they say No,

We should never approve our girls fake to be alive. It should end with you and me.