Vulnerable

 He was a surgeon. She was into management consulting.

Initial communication was to address a condition a peer in office was going through.

Once that was settled, they moved in separate ways. Ideally that should be end of all.

But it wasn't to be.

Both led lives stretched to its limit. She was a single-parent. Her two children were in middle school. He had one child and had a full family around. Yet, they both led lives they wished would change soon. ASAP.

Since such changes happen only in movies, the real life script had something different in store. Their paths crossed.

For around seven months there were just happy birthday messages that went back and forth. Then a quick note asking for help from a reliable legal expert came from him. She was not sure if it would be worth the risk to take up a task for someone she hardly knew.

Yet, considering the situation in their society was getting worse due to the anti-social elements in the area, she thought it to be imperative to help. And after getting a non-disclosure agreement agreed by her lawyer friend, she connected him and the lawyer.

She is not sure why, but the lawyer friend did not find the filed complaint enough a reason to take it up to the authorities. Hence that task went into limbo.

Conversations were once a week or so related to the status of the case etc. Sometimes when he would get back late from duty, would drop a message around 1:00 am too. She dismissed the timing as a network delay. (Those were the days without instant chats like you and I enjoy today).

Somewhere in one of her replies, she said the day is a busy one since she is the cornerstone for her children. His one word response - 'Ditto' - threw open the conversation into long hours ones.

Throwing caution into winds, the messages got longer about each other's life story. She was taken aback when he reeled out all her professional details, native place and even her residence address. That should have set the alarm in her head. It did not.

On the other hand, she knew only his full name printed on the hospital catalogue and that's it. Because she didn't think it warranted any further investigation.

His interest in her, her story, her life, her daily routine etc made her feel nice. Though there was a clause of zero-emotional involvement by both of them, staying in touch became a need.

He revealed very little about himself. Claimed he is a man of few words and too much stress. Said in his family he has someone who is fighting a medical condition. His child needs him more these days. He would respond to any queries asked and not proactively talk like she used to. And if there were more than three or four queries would stop replying or ask if that day was only for questions.

He would never call on phone and once when she tried to sent a very harsh text saying he will never take calls and only texts. She should have stopped right there. Other than his once in a while outrage, he was generally a good person. Yet, she should have gone by her sixth sense.

After four months of texting, his texts slowly reduced to just monosyllabic ones. There were hours and hours gaps between texts which was unusual. He had put in a clause of saying there shouldn't be a gap of more than five minutes between texts. If she did not respond, will see him appear at her door step.

The long night texts stopped all of a sudden. She asked him if he met someone else or got back someone he lost back into his life. This outraged him since she indirectly mentioned someone who had introduced her to him one year back.

In her mind, she was very clear it had to be another woman who would have a power to break their bonding. And since he had claimed long time back of having very few friends outside his domain, it had to be someone who is from his fraternity. It had to be someone who he knew for long. All these going by his claims of being not on social network, not socializing much due to his responsibilities at home.

She knew the other lady had moved to Bangalore a year back. Her husband was away in Canada for some course. She was alone here till then. She assumed he must have got friendly and close with her and her departure left him lonely in his stressful life. Anything asked to him about this, was met with never before seen reactions. She got all the more annoyed with his impatient responses. If there was nothing beyond a peer relationship, why is he getting worked up?

And in the radio silence that followed, she tried to put the puzzle together. Both she and the Bangalore lady were single (the Bangalore one for a period of a year or two), both of them looked a little alike, both were slightly different from women of their age. Maybe it was his 'pattern' to find such profiles and get friendly.

She was just a pit-stop for him till his love got back to him or maybe they already were involved and he wanted some variety.

Though on the fringe of emotional involvement, she found it very easy to speak up and ask directly. He said it was futile to fight in an emotionless relationship and he has his own reasons to stop texting her. It was his stress at work and life. She had a good, good laugh at this.

Knew he was lying through his teeth. He got bored, that's it. He needed variety as temporary distraction while he kept strong his bond in Bangalore. And he was finding her too clinging as a friend and wanted to break off. Yet wanted her to go away on her own.

Though this attitude from a buddy was unexpected and an open talk would have made her respect him, she was glad and relieved when they decided to turn into strangers.

At times, she does think he might be right about the stress levels etc but then those were not new in his life and so why worry about it now! She lost trust in acquaintances, she got anxious when a man got asking about her. She just got suspicious of intentions.

Fate would have it, she got to work with a NGO that works with his hospital. But she made it very sure he never got the wind of it because he was a stranger and she wished never to bump into him. For years she was in and out of the place. And it went on for years.

In their mid-40s, the paths crossed again. This was during an AGM of the institution and they were invitees. She hardly recognized him. He didn't flinch either. A text beeped in her phone.

No more vulnerable to his texts, without reading it, she walked up to him, looked into his eyes and said, "You left behind nothing in me for you to play around with again...to kill. Stop texting."

He did not blink nor say anything. Yet held steady her gaze.

Why I think Bhallala Deva is not bad..

The first born is always the favorite in the family till a second born makes the entry.

Life for the first born changes from the day the family’s, neighbors’ attention shifts from his/her playful antics to that of the baby. His baby talk, baby looks all seem to be upgraded to “grow up, now you have a younger one to take care of” statements, if not spoken but hinted at.

As we grow up, the first born is compared with the second born, if the second is smarter, studious, playful, and darling of the folks. Also makes the first born move into a cocoon of their own. They seem to make way for the second one’s heroics unwillingly. They seem to be seen weaker than the second born. Less intelligent and less sensitive. The first born is made to feel like a ‘mistake born’.

All thanks to the smart second born. If not for their appearance, the first born would have seen as the perfect one for the family.

That’s exactly what happened with Bhallala Deva in Mahishmati

He was born a normal prince with all princely qualities. Till his cousin Baahubali was born.

Baahubali was in every sense the charmer, smarter, studios of the two. Sivagami, the Queen was fond of Baahubali which also had a fact of him being orphaned. Bhallaladeva was pushed to the sidelines though the two Princess were trained, coached, rewarded equally. Yet Bhallala Deva knew his own mother loved him a little less than how much she loved Baahubali.

It pushed him into a forced silence every time Baahubali shone. This gave his scheming father opportunities to influence his son’s thinking. Knowingly or unknowingly, Bhallala Ddeva distanced from his queen mother’s positive influence. He saw Baahubali was taking a lion’s share of the love he was legally and by birth had right to. Yet, he knew there was no way he can force his own mother to give him priority.

Silently, willingly or unwillingly, made way for Baahubali in every path of life. Somewhere he erred too, coming under his wicked father’s and equally wicked advisers. Yet, when his father asks him to murder his mother so that Baahubali’s growth is studded, Bhallaladeva does not heed to his command. He has the goodness in him still somewhere within him.

The only time Bhallala Deva felt his mother give him the best is when she agrees to get Devasena for him. Who he eventually lost to Baahubali.

But in order to keep her word given to her own son, Sivagami strips Baahubali of his title of the King of Mahishmati (since she gave him options to choose and he chose...well...you know who) and in turn Bhallala Deva is crowned the King. Though Bhallala Deva is the actual hire to the throne that, it came to him not willingly.

Neither the throne nor the people of the kingdom wanted him to sit on it. Somewhere in the past, for having made way for Baahubali, Bhallala Deva lost all opportunities to win the hearts of the people and the throne. Even when he does get the throne finally, as and when the son of his rival is born, due to the design of events unfolding around which he and his dad were the masterminds, queen mother snatches the very throne she gave her son, Bhallala Deva and hands it to the new born Mahendra Baahubali, his nephew, son of his rival cousin Amarendra Baahubali.

A loser in all aspects, Bhallala Deva got the venom of revenge deep into the core of his bones. The transforming events from an innocent new born, into a sidelined youth, to that of a revenger is not something he himself would have wanted to happen yet happens.

If Baahubali was not orphaned, if the Sivagami had not been in a confusion who to crown as the King and preferred the popular, smarter, charming, talented Baahubali, had Baahubali not been born, who knows maybe Bhallala Deva would have been the good hearted Prince.

Haven’t a majority of the first born and a few second born not wised they were the only child of their parents?

Bhallala Deva was not born bad.

Why I have a bucket list for ME :)

My bucket list is not a long to-do things in a lifetime... at least for me. The list includes things that I do not want to do and wish someone else does for me.

The bucket list contain things like standing up in class when asked to stand up if the class project is not done. Wish someone else stands up, not me,

To sit for my Math exam and solve just the sums that greet me saying Hi, stranger!

To say No, to a love letter from someone I dread to even look at in college :D

When I have to choose between Mom and Dad when they have an argument!

The bucket list of what I don't want to do also has wish someone takes the side for me, when two of my best friends stop talking to each other!

 Wish someone else would feel the pain when a new shoe bites me :)

Wish someone else’s heartbreak if Farhan Akthar finds his ‘girl’ :D (I don’t want this to happen….the finding part, I meant)

List wishes someone else to get scared and scream when watching a horror flick and get strange looks from other in the theatre or the scorn from family if watching at home.

Wish I don't have to ask for my pads from the pharmacy manned by men (Yeah, am no feminist to walk in there, slam the table, look straight into their eyes and demand "Whisper!)

Wish I don't have to be the first in the traffic row when light turns red... because will have less time to check my WhatsApp! :D

The bucket list has things like wish I don't see a still escalator at office when about to check in and the formidable staircase beckons me... wish someone else would climb it for me... :D

Bucket list says wish someone folds the clothes from the clothesline at the end of the day when all I want to do is sleeeeep!

Bucket list says, wish I don't have to be told "working women are to spend 'quality time' with family by any social cultural custodians on a TV panel! I can lip synch such lines.... beaten to death this topic is, yet is told in abundance!

My bucket list gets new member almost every time I wince, says "Oh! No", Jeez, here it comes!... But why me... types of statement. My bucket list is different.... it has only things which someone else can do for me :D

Err... did you call me lazy bones?

Hehehe.... just for 5 days a year, wish to be so... and no, this is not in my bucket list but "Bouquet list"! The ones, I will do... be they be outrageous, strictly no-no, dangerous for my "age" or sheer jealousy! :)

Ravana too had good in him..

Been hearing how terrible Ravana was and how big a war Rama fought to kill this terrible demon king, in the epic Ramayana.

That was the childhood till early 20s version, when we had time and thought bad is BAD and good is all that we need on this Earth. No Ravanas but only Ramas.

Come 30s, didn't have time or any orientation towards good or bad since we been both as per life's circumstances.

But by 40s, one has seen good lot of 'bads' and 'goods' in life to realize not every bad is BAD and not all that looks, feels, smells, tastes, sounds, reads, walks, talks, seen good is indeed GOOD.

It is this U-turn philosophy that made me think... Asura King Ravana was not all that bad for these (few) reasons I picked from the mythology Ramayana, written by Sage Valmiki and many others.
(Glad during those days there were no copyrights! Else Sage Valmiki would have spend his next three births filing and fighting copyrights cases to protect Valmiki Ramayana!)

Coming back to King Ravana, these few points cannot be proved wrong and if Ravana was so evil to be burnt down, he shouldn't have had these (few) in him in the first place:

1) King Ravana did not attack Ayodhya and declare war on King Rama
2) He went to Panchavadi forest based on his sister Surpanakha complaint on how Rama and Lakshmana played pranks on her, humiliated her and later Lakshmana chopped off her nose
(True, Surpanakha went to attack the petite Sita.. yeah, you are right Surpanakha asked for it from Lakshmana... could have very well returned home after the pranks!)
3) He went there not in any intention to kidnap Sita but to avenge his sister's humiliation (like any elder or younger brother does in school, college or even after that... sister's dignity at stake is something no brother can tolerate!)
4) Kidnapping Sita could also have been for the reason to lure the brothers to Lanka, his own kingdom and fight it out with them on his own territory where he is more powerful than in Panchavadi which is the brother's territory
5) He didn't have to give 12 months deciding time to Sita to make her his own. He was a devotee of Lords, devas, had enough powers to force himself on Sita, force marry her than give her time
6) He went to meet Sita every morning to see if her mind has changed and is ready to accept him as her husband, with his wife Mandodari...never alone
7) He did not dump Mandodari till his death in spite having got Sita in Lanka

On the other hand, Rama and Lakshmana could have avoided the prank on Surpanakha, in stead while one of the two brothers were engaged in letting Surpanakha know, they cannot marry her, they could have sent a messenger to Lanka. They could have passed a message to King Ravana to come and fetch his stubborn and unreasonable sister and take her back home.

True, Lakshmana chopped off Surpanakha's nose when his mother-like Sita was being attacked. Had they sent to Ravana to take her back, the chopping, crying, kidnapping, war could have been avoided.

King Rama and the husband Rama would have lived happily with the Queen Sita and wife Sita, after 14 years of exile. Instead, even after 14 years of exile, the King banished the Queen in Sita to prove his Dharma to his citizens, at the same time the husband in Rama made parallel arrangement to take care of his pregnant wife Sita at a sage's ashram. So much chaos and unhappiness!

Which makes me wonder who had more good in him... King Ravana or King Rama?

Migrant Workers are unlike Migratory Birds - Boon to Bane

No. It is not always the Government who does everything for their citizen's safety. In the wake of developments in the gruesome murder case of Jisha, a law student in Kerala, the migrant workers' community is under social and security scanner.

They are here in my state because there is a high demand for manual labor in a hi-tech society. The real estate construction sector, local area cleaning methods, handy-man job sectors are light years away from being technology savvy, spend less on machining, depend on manual labor which is cost effective-long term maintenance free and do not add to immovable investment when not having projects.

Migrant workers are paid less than local skills. They are ready to do digging in any circumstances, they do not say no in entering manholes, they do not ask for equal wages but more than happy to be employed, they too have a family (families!) to send money home. They are physically stronger with more stamina than local skilled or unskilled labor. They do not spend on fancy motorbikes, purchase of land, are not fashion conscious.

All a migrant worker ask for in a room to share with his 10-15 peers in the outskirts of a city, public transport to take him to and from home-workplace, a cooking space inside the room and garbage piled up corners. What he cannot do away with is his mobile phone, the sloppy shoulder bag, full-sleeve tee shirt and contrast color jeans, trousers.   

What makes us like their manual labor is the sincerity with which they focus on their task, get it done as instructed and leave workplace without waiting to be given old clothes, water or food.

What we miss while admiring his labor skills are his sharp eyes taking note of the surroundings, his silent watchful presence making a mental note of the layout, people staying around the area and the determined attitude to stay back and get woven into our society. In his sincerity lies the cold selfish intention to get what he wants… whatever it be… gold ornaments, money, trust and our hearts.
When we see an immigrant worker as an assistant to a local skilled labor coming home for a task, we do not spare anything more than a glance towards the immigrant worker since he is here only to “assist”. We speak at length with his immediate senior worker or supervisor on how or what needs to be done for the day or week and we walk away into our daily chores. Here are a few thoughts:

As citizens:

1. Ask his name and have the immigrant worker answer
2. Repeat his name and confirm if you got it right
3. Ask his supervisor if he is a registered immigrant labor
4. Ask for his registration ID card or proo
5. Get your local contractor or sub-contractor hand over or email you details of his laborers working in your project with details of their permanent and present address
6. Keep a tab on if the same migrant labour comes on all days
7. In large constructions sites, have a team of your men/women to report, record arrival and departure of the migrant laborer
8. Ensure you pick up basics of the most commonly spoken language by migrant workers
9. Do not agree to engage any unregistered migrant laborer
10. Do report to police about any social noise from migrant workers

The Government (Central and every State) on their part please check:

1. The process followed by mobile network providers in supplying SIM to migrant workers
2. Do they submit address proof
3. Are their SIMs activated with verifications
4. Is the proof of address valid and genuine
5. In the event of mobile providers not having sufficient proofs, the concerned authorities should disconnect of block the SIM
6. Have a IVR in Hindi saying why is it blocked and to report to nearest police station to get it activated
7. There in not a single migrant worker who does not use a mobile phone
8. Have every contractor report how many migrant laborers they have registered under their name
9. The Labor Commission officer and Panchayat members have to sign on the permit to have  migrant workers under him
10. Cap the maximum migrant labor under each contractor to 50
11. Have migrant workers educated in benefits of reporting to Labor office through Panchayat
12. Assure them safety, security, an identity, dignity in their existence by legalizing their presence in the State
13. Have new policies made or the migrant labor card to be valid within India
14. Ensure all migrant workers have a basic fitness test done at local area health centre (height, weight, blood group, basic blood test and chest x-ray) free of cost (Government to bear this cost)
15. Alert Health officers to conduct checks in the migrant workers' place of stay or camps every quarter

Have labor squads, Panchayat, anganwadi, kudumbashree, ASHA workers go house-to-house and see if the owner has built additional rooms, renting to migrant workers. If he/she has not reported the earnings to Govt, it’s a violation and loss of tax revenue, book the landlord or owner.

Citizens have to ensure socially these migrant workers are not treated any different than own fellow social beings. Because of the economical imbalance, there is a flow of migrant workers to our state. There is a flow of such and elite workers from our state to US, Far East and Middle East too. :) :)

There needs to be a cultural, social, political and perspective change in our society to ensure migrant workers do not make our society hostage for their low cost labor.

 

 

Why am I faking to being alive?

Jia gave me a call that was laced with an urgency. She was trying to push the urgency by a few minutes into the call, parking it rather.

I went by the flow. Knew she had something to share. Knew it was something which if her folks at home hear, will tag her as 'depressed'! If her friends are told, they may nod and change topic.

It is something Jia knows I will listen to at least, if not buy in. And finally she asked me this: Jia, why am I faking to be alive?

Couple of terms in it... fake to be alive... made me reel for a few seconds... Did I hear fake to be alive? Eh?

I asked Jia... Fake to be alive? How ... how are you faking? If one is alive, its for real.... not fake. She brushed aside my question saying, am not refereeing to the biological 'being alive' but as a person, soul.... I knew, Jia was speaking what many women in her age must be doing, going through. Some of them do not need to and if on can say, they are blessed... so be it. Here is why Jia says she thinks she is faking to life....

I get up every morning on the edge of my cot since my lil ones push me and occupy majority space. It hurts my back, neck and swear tonight I will go and sleep on my own cot. Yet when the little ones say they are scared the night sans me, I fake joy of sleeping with the 11 year olds and go through the pushing, kicking, etc every night. I cannot make them see it hurts me. I fake happiness and joy though am too sad to even wish for sleep.

I hate to drive around in the mornings, noon till evening... doing chores, picking up, hospital drops. I love to drive around in the night which is prohibited at home. I love the peace and quietness of the night rather than the harsh sunlight and smell of the hypermarkets where I go every alternate days. I do ask for a consolidated list to ensure I don't spend money everyday but that has never happened ... ever. I fake eagerness to drive around, pick up, drop, buy stuff since I cannot say no to my family.

I want to watch movies, laze around once in a while sans kids but that's considered as "working-mother-ignoring-child' attitude! thanks to all the preachy stuff in regional women's magazine and sicko talk shows. I have to take my children to every get together with my friends... work or otherwise. I fake joy and eagerness knowing they will bored since no other parent is getting their children. I fake being a great mother.

I am tired of living thus. I wish to tell people on their face, I need 3 days to myself a month... just three days. At least don't ask me to sleep in kids' bed when having my monthly chums, don't give me a list of stuff to buy, dry clean, pick up or allow me space on those three days to be with myself.... Why, Kartz... why do I need to fake in life so much and hope against hope I get my-time if not today tomorrow... if not this month... next one...and been living for 39 years!

I was silent through her narration.... speechless.... she just now told me .. how am living everyday! I didn't know if she wanted a solution or was giving me a nudge to tell me.

I wanted some water but knew putting her on hold is not polite... instead I asked her.... Jia, however ultra-metro be our dressing, attitude... what we are fundamentally... hasn't changed must over time... our gender been adjusting, comprising from time in memorial. We are at least realizing we are not genuinely happy and expressing it... which our previous generation never tried to do.... likewise, we should ensure our girls say No, am not comfortable doing, saying, giving, walking, eating...whatever makes them uneasy. We should teach and support them when they say No,

We should never approve our girls fake to be alive. It should end with you and me.

Who rapes in India?

The latest noise around a very relevant documentary by Leslee Udwin, BBC has brought out a few unseen colours out in the open. There is so much of din and noise about WHY the film was made? WHO gave the permission? STOP its screening etc etc.... Irrelevant when compared to a diverse set of messages this documentary gives.

Whoever watches it for getting a glimpse of who Jyothi was, her parents are etc will see just that... If you are watching it to listen to the convict talking about the incident scene by scene, you will see the entire documentary only about the convict but if you are looking at watching the documentary to try to see who raped and what were the intentions with the motive to find a solution... it is here, in this short documentary named - India's daughter.

These men have not seen or been to school, they were born and brought up in crammed slums where there is no privacy for women and any violation of her privacy is heard across the slum as a routine ever since a boy or girl is born. They have been brought up making them believe their mothers are their father's punching bags, the cook, bai and everything called as a housekeeper. They have played and grown up with boys who come from similar background.

But as they grow up into men, they leave the slums and move into cities where they see women are free to work, earn, travel, go to hotels, wear everything from sari to minis. If educated, these variations will not make any difference to his brain or hormones. They wont even bother to see what a woman is wearing or doing as they have their job to do. Such educationally- conditioned men do not see women as inferior nor superior but just as a peer.

Whereas, straight from the slums where his move to city is celebrated with drums, friends lifting him up in air, women looking up at him as if he is somebody superior is treated as an equal in a city by a woman, it hurts his ego-conditioned brain. His ego is punctured when as a driver a woman in a city asks for balance after a drive, a woman stops him from coming close to her in a crowded bus or even pushes him rudely as he reeks of alcohol. He get infuriated why is his superiority which has been driven into him all his 25 years is being belittled by a WOMAN.

Teach her a lesson, screams his ego, his uneducated brain and hormones take over. His only intention is to TEACH HER A LESSON for puncturing his male superiority that his mother and sister worship. How else but violate her dignity, TEACH HER A LESSON about his superior power by hurting her where it hurts the most -  her body. Rape her. Hurt her. Kill her. And pat yourself saying I have TAUGHT HER A LESSON how a man is powerful than a woman.

Take a few steps back and put him in a school. Parents object but Government says no ration if your boys and girls do not complete school till 10th grade and every year their promoted certificate to be shown and validated by the local body in their area. That sounds too too tooo idealistic to happen is a slum even in the capital.

How about have 5 points on "How Can You Not Hurt a Woman" be added as a public message in the cinema halls, on cigarette packets, on pan masala packets, on every film poster, on every election campaign material, into school diaries, on walls, posts, condom packs, alcohol bottles, exit and entry of every bar, public rest rooms for men, as morning pledge in aanganwadis, in every religious worship centre, super hero narrate these in their movies.... across touch points where boys who do not go to school are sure to pop up or roam around.

I hear the word Women Empowerment. Yes, making a woman aware who she is and what's her identity, that she is capable as any man in this society is a must. At the same time, making a man aware that a woman is needed for him to sustain his living on this earth and if no women are around he will perish, empower her means his burden is being shared will make a male-ego centric society accept women empowerment as a must have for all.

There is no point in generalising all men are rapists. With such open, hollow statements we are distancing the majority of the men who are aware why women are on this Earth. Take men along in empowering women.

Reach the roots of those at grassroot level. Lets start talking in their language, in the surrounding they live than from well-lit studios or high podiums about women's safety.

Lets make men in the lowest of the lower strata understand women are nothing inferior or superior but their peer. It will take painstaking ground work and a long 15-20 years to implement this change of thought but lets start somewhere. Today.